December 20, 2005
Help Wanted !
Looking for a pretty young blonde for a full time job.
Pays well with extra benefits.
Great opportunity to enter the Guiness book of records.
Job is easy, no brains needed.
Qualifications: Knowing how to click.
Job Description: Deleting scraps on orkut.
Posted by masoud at 12:16 PM | Comments (0)
November 23, 2005
Diaries of Nobody 4: Elnazina Elnazova
Although I've made a good relationship with the shark kid and therefore the parents, I'm getting tired of dealing with the shark kid since it's [1] quite dumb. To make the shark kid happy, I told "it" the story of Elnazina Elnazova.
Elnazina Elnazova, as is known everywhere by this name now, was born in the Queen Elizabeth II dining room at 11:46am in a happy summer day. Her real name was Elizabeth III, but as a disguise, "they" changed her name first to Elcutie, then to Christina and finally to Elnaz. Since this name didn't really go well with the other names in the society, she was sent to Iran to fit with the others [3]. Nevertheless, she was constantly being supervised and trained under the best supervisions and trainings known to mankind [2].
To train her fully in an official way and at the same time keeping the disguise, she was sent to a special school, specially made for special people. It was there that she learned how to design smilies. As we will see, this was crucial for her future. She also learned how to hold a guitar which later on she used this art to seduce her prays.
After finishing regular studies under hefty disguise, she went back to the motherland to be trained more closely and in more depth. She started working as a Yahoo smiley designer [4] in a computer software company, but that was only a disguise. What she really did was using her trainings to design physical/mental-enhancement [5] drugs for the CIA [6]. But she wasn't very faithful to the secret agency either; she used to "innocently" fill her purse with the powder and would mix Roger Federer's protein shake with the powder and thus make him unbeatable. She would then bet on him in the matches and make a lot of money.
This money was used to achieve a higher goal she was trained for. She secretly made contracts with the dictionary publishers as an editor [7] and would deliberatly misspell words or change meanings of the words in the dictionaries. If you haven't yet figured out why, you must be really dumb. Obviously this was a smartly-planned plan to promote illiteracy through out the world and make it easier for the aliens to attack our planet.
It's quite instructional to see under a sweet and lovely cover, how misleading some people can be ! An illiteracy promoter who was going to run for Miss England 2012 ! Dude ! [10] Anyhow, in the meanwhile, she continued her trainings and learned everything and anything that was to be learnt. But since she was herself using the drugs she had designed (and for that matter, she changed them just for herself and didn't even let CIA know about it), her mental capabilities were millionified [8]. So she started comming up with new stuff on her own.
It needs a few libraries to talk about the details of her new stuff [9], and many of them are just not known to us or beyond our understanding. But to make the story short, it's enough to say that she found a way to become God. Yes. And she was never heard of after that. Maybe she'll return back to run for Miss England 2012, who knows. [11]
----------------------------
[1]: I don't yet know if it's a "she" or "he". I'm not really interested in finding that out either.
[2]: And to some extent to alien-kind and animal-kind and tree-kind and bacteria-kind and cockroach-kind and one-eyed-three-legged-two-skulled-four-handed-african-but-imported-to-brazil-yellow-ardvark-kind.
[3]: If you think that a little bit smarter thing would probably have been to change her name to something that went with the society, you're dead wrong. For "some" reason "they" liked the El-something name and at the same time any resemblence with the name Elizabeth had proved to be deadly and undisguisable in the past. See ? You WERE dead wrong. The English or British or Snubbies can think of everything you can think of and <-----------------------> this much more.
[4] I told you we will get to this point.
[5] More "physical" as the sources say.
[6] Working for CIA was another misleading undercover cover, since her original employers were the BBC people who were in fact aliens comming from Neptune.
[7] Obviously she had a good resume showing her as a well-known literaturian.
[8] Some experts claim "hexa-billion-gillionified". That's beyond my counting abilities. I don't even know how they measured that. I'm starting to think these experts were actually aliens or just frauds.
[9] That's when I can't think of a word to fully describe this thing. It's not "invention" or "discovery" or "idea", it's a combination of all of these and even more. This is all her fault, cause I can't look it up in the dictionaries either. Even if I do find something, I can't trust it to be correct !
[10] That's referring to the shark kid. I'm not calling you readers "Dude"....unless you're the shark kid, in which case....hmm. I won't tell you now, it's for later.
[11] Whether this is a happy or sad ending is left as an excercise to the interested reader. Hint: This might actually not BE an "ending" and may "BE continued".
Posted by masoud at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2005
Death Reason (part 1)
In Hell, 3rd Curtain:
Joe is sitting down on a bench thinking. It's in a quiet park close to the fire rows in isle 5467342 of Hell.
"The isle number looks very familiar", Joe wonders.
After a bit of thinking, a nifty smile covers his face. That was his social number in the other world.
"Other world"....He hesitates. "Why is it always "the other world" ?"
"Why isn't ever "the other world", the world that we live in ?", he asks himself. After a moment of thinking, he finds out the answer. It's because of what "other" means. "Other" means something not what we are dealing with right now. Something besides "this".
"Hmm. So the opposite of "other" is "this"", he nodds to himself and happily fills up another row of the word puzzle.
The last time he saw someone pass close by this bench, was 3 days ago. He is getting a week of vacation from his fire chamber, because he has "followed the instructions". He is a good citizen. Not as good as Alina though.
Posted by masoud at 10:42 PM | Comments (2)
May 26, 2005
Diaries of Nobody: Rana the Crazyhead
The story I told the sharks about Alireza, made them even more sympathetic about my situation in the past and present. I'm teaching the shark kid how to play with the woods in the water, but at the same time I'm tricking him into helping me make a ship for myself (as I always remember the Godfather's advice: "Keep your friends close to you, but keep your enemies closer"). The shark kid has insomnia, so I have to tell him stories at night to keep him busy and the parents won't kill me in the meanwhile. I told the shark kid the biography of Rana the Crazyhead.
Rana was named St. Michelle at first, but as we will see she managed to change her name. She was born in a simple country, but then her parents felt she would grow up to be simple like them, so they moved to France, because they thought France was full of unsimple people and their influence would make her unsimple too (1). Little did they know that France was full of crazy people and their influence on her would be quite dramatic. French people are fans of drama.
After a little while, she managed to develope some severe sexual disorientation and her parents thought the only way to fix it would be to send her back to her simple country. So that's what they did. Little did they know that their simple country had changed and was half way into becomming an unsimple country. When they found that out, a few years had already passed by and so they thought if she was to live in an unsimple country, France would be a much better choice since French language was not only not simple, but even very much unsimple. Obviously her parents had mixed up the words "unsimple" and "screwed up" (3).
Going back and forth from this country to that country, all of them unsimple, made an artist out of her. She started painting stuff that didn't make sense, although she claimed they did. France was full of black people and since she liked the black so much, she changed her name to Rana. She felt that having been in two unsimple countries was not enough and to strengthen her artistic sense, she decided to go to another continent. Canada was the first choice (6).
As soon as she moved to Canada she fell in love with the pot. Under the influence of this new friend, she thought her paintings were getting better and better, but then as we know now, this was just a false impression (2). Paiting was a no-end, so she switched to selling houses instead. This time, success came along like a singing bird in the Amazon jungles (4). But on the way, an african raptor killed and ate the bird, which was in turn hunted by an asian tourist who returned back to Austrailia and lived happily ever after.
Having said all that, it's really hard to continue this story. Instead let's chill out and read a joke (7):
-Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
-So they can hide in cherry trees.
-What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
-A Monkey eating cherries.
Overall, our story has a happy ending. Rana turned out to be a famous artist. She married a tall black dude (5), moved out to Jamaica (5) and bought all the houses over there and became penfriends with the Austrailian hunter.
(1): The assumption is that being simple is not good. Everybody knows that's not right. Being simple is quite useful, since it can make you president twice, although some stupidity on the side would help a lot in this case.
(2): In some literature they call this hallucination or delusion. They use these words on all sorts of English tests.
(3): If you think the word "unsimple" doesn't exist, then you're obviously plain wrong. For a reference of this word being used refer to this reference.
(4): This part is for those people who have been to the Amazon jungles. For the others, there's no point continuing reading, since the rest of the story is based on this sentence. I suggest reading "The cons and pros of Hitchhiking" instead.
(5): You know why she chose "tall" and you know why Jamaica. If you don't, then FINE ! Obviously you don't know how to use information to deduct stuff.
(6): Canada is a continenet in the southern hemisphere close to Iceland and is located between the Adriatic and Caspian rivers.
(7): For some reason some people call these useful facts "jokes".
Posted by masoud at 05:42 PM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2005
Conversation Randomation
-I think I'm going in the right direction to figure out what my problems in life are.
-So you know what your problems are ?
-No, I just have this intuition that I'm in the "right" direction to figure them out. Once I figure them out, I will change my direction in life to the "right" direction that I've figured out after going in the "right" direction for finding my problems.
-So the two "right"s are not the same.
-No, one is a right in the left direction, the other is a right in the right direction. You see my point ?
-Where's your point ? I have to get new glasses.
-I like big glasses. You can't have tea in a small glass.
-I used to have a big sheet of glass, but one day I went home and saw I had another one. So I figured I needed a break from life.
-I know what you're talking about. My car needed a break too. I was about to crash once.
-Couldn't you use a brick instead ? They sound the same.
-Your sister and a whore sound the same too. But the former doesn't quite do the job.
-Oh now I see your point. It was right there. A bit to the left though.
-Yeah sometimes you need another point to see some point. Like this time that I was at a red light and the light wouldn't turn green. I saw other cars moving and the cars behind me started honking. That's how I realized I was color-blinded.
-So can you still drive ?
-Only with glasses. Green ones. In the right direction. With your sister on my side ready for a break and pointing out my problems.
Posted by masoud at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)
March 06, 2005
Diaries of Mr KK 3: Driving High
Diaries of Mr KK are true stories happened to a friend of mine. Viewer discretion is advised.
So I was completely high and crusin' at 100 kilometer in a 50 km zone in west vancouver with my friend when this police car stopped me. A police woman came and as soon as she smelled the car, she knew what was goin' on. We were having fun with her though and everything she said, we would kind of grin at her and say something nice back to her. I kind of hit on her and tried to get her phone number too, but I can't quite remember if she gave it to me or not.
So she told me whether I had more pot in the car. Before I said anything, she said if I gave her what I had, she would let me go, otherwise she would screw me over. So I figured I had no choice so I gave her the rest of the one pound of pot I had in the car (I could go to jail for that). Her partner came and asked if everything was ok and she said yeah. Then she let us go but said something about not doing this anymore and stuff. It's good to know that there are still some good policewomen/men around....
Posted by masoud at 06:53 AM | Comments (0)
March 05, 2005
An Introduction to "I"
I is the only letter that is also a word. I is the only word that can be used both with the verbs "is" and "am".
To avoid any confusion, when you see "I" in the Diaries of Mr KK, it refers to Mr KK; in the Diaries of Nobody, it refers to nobody (or anybody or somebody) and in the rest of the postings, it refers to me.
So not all I's are the same, you gotta have good eyes (and IQ more than 29) to see the difference between I's.
Posted by masoud at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)
March 04, 2005
Diaries of Mr KK 2: Trip to Edmonton
Diaries of Mr KK are true stories happened to a friend of mine. Viewer discretion is advised.
So one day in summer we were chilling out with a friend and we thought it would be nice to go on a trip. So we got in the car and started heading towards Edmonton right away. All the way, we were drinking in the car and were high too. When we got there, we got a room in a hotel and stayed there for one night. We didn't sleep at night cause we were busy smoking up. The beds were untouched and when the clean-up guy came in the morning and saw what was going on, he thought we were some weird gay couple. The smell of the smoke was so much that when the guy came in, he started grinning right away and said "so you guys had a good night, huh ?".
When we were trying to get rid of the ash in the toilet, we had to flush the toilet twice to get rid of all of it. We went downstairs to check out and the counter guy looked at us and said "we have one big event in Edmonton each year (I think he was refering to a carnaval or something) and you guys just made up the second one".
A quarter pound of dubies and a few pack of cigarrettes was all we smoked that night. well, we're not proud of it, but we'll try to improve it next time.
Posted by masoud at 08:31 AM | Comments (0)
March 03, 2005
Diaries of Nobody 4: Alireza's Mom
As my last hope, I read the biography of Arash Diesel to the sharks. They seemed to connect and empathize with the character and have postponed eating me. In order to become closer to the sharks, I have decided to write more biographies. This will help me remember my past and remain sane as well.
Alireza was born in a dark corner of a tent beside the Nile river. His father (we will call him Khosro Khan (4) from now on) was quite poor at the time, since his cattle was all wasted by a new-commer wolf, and Alireza went on to grow without enough milk which caused him some mental damage later in his life.
When he was two, Khosro Khan stumbled upon a hidden treasure from the second pharaoh and sold it illegally to an English art-lover farmer for 200 pounds. Later on he found out that the treasure was worth 2 billion pounds and this drove him insane (literally).
As a former shepperd, Khosro Khan had some musical talent, so he sent Alireza to learn an instrument called Tar. After a few years, one day Khosro Khan broke the Tar on Alireza's ass to show him his objection of him watching too much TV and drinking bad beer. I think there was no point doing that and a regular piece of wood would perfectly do the trick (3). This taught Alireza a lesson and he chose electric guitar as his next instrument, since he thought it would be hard to break it even by shoving it up someone's ass. Obviously he didn't have much respect for his ass which brought him bad names and reputation later on. In any case, his father proved him wrong in this case. Khosro Khan was quite a genius among mad people. And the bad fame we talked about, caused him (1) to move to Canada. Canada was famous for that.
Canada proved to be a country of opportunities for developing talents, so he started working in MacDonalds. The mental damage caused by milklessness in his infancy, caused him to spit in McChickens and Double Burgers (2). As soon as his boss found out, his lack of respect for his ass became apparent, and they kicked his ass out of that place. He kept on working there without his ass, but it didn't last for long since he had to constantly have an eye on his ass. His ass was quite arrogant and selfish and wasted.
As his last option he turned to photography. He was greatly influenced by a talented photographer friend and took photos of all the trees around him. Gradually he developed a close and intimate relationship with the trees and his contact with human soul faded. This caused him more insanity and he turned to literature. He was greatly mesmerized by the French culture, so he moved from BC to Quebec since cocaine was cheaper there. He was one of the few people in his time that said NO to BC weed in favor of another drug. That's just dumb.
Photogrpahy and literature were dead ends, but coke made him a philosopher. He used to think that one can think that one is always one even when someone multiplies it by some ones, but later on he changed his mind and would say that one can be less than one without affecting other ones (5). He was quite messed up anyways.
If at this point you ask yourself about his mom, well, let's just say Alireza's mom was/is a concept.
To make the story short, he thought "maybe life is all about following your dreams and ideas", but he didn't have any. Instead he learned to fart and made others miserable.
---------------------------------
(1) This can refer both to Alireza and Khosro Khan, but it's not obvious from what I've written. well....
(2) Some say this made the hamburgers more bearable. I'm sure those people were high at the time.
(3) There is a famous question that asks "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?"
(4) He prefered the name Ghasembeyk Maashaallaa, but it was hard for the Egyptians to pronounce it the way he liked it.
(5) He wrote a book called "One" in 240 pages. All the sentences in the book are made of the word "one", question marks and periods. I think publishing this book will be his masterpiece.
Posted by masoud at 09:29 PM | Comments (0)
February 16, 2005
Diaries of Nobody 3: Arash Diesel
Wed. Feb 16: I'm stuck in an island in the Carribean ocean near Italy. Sharks are swimming around me, waiting for the sea to rise at sunrise to come and eat me. So, as my last hope, I've decided to post the biography of my friend Arash.
Arash is my friend. Arash is a guy. Arash was born deep into the jungles of Himalaya in a rainy day in summer. When he was born, his mom wanted to name him Johnny in honor of the infamous african poet Zapata, but then she misspelled it and so he got the name Arash. When Arash was born, he was wearing Diesel sneakers and tanktop, and the nurses nicknamed him Diesel. Right after he was born, his mom dropped him on a hard piece of rock, by accident, and his penis broke. So he decided to become a priest. Thanks to his mom, who was quite well-known among the church people, he got into a church close by. But since he always blamed God for his penislessness, as his mom had [deliberately] changed the truth behind this mental handicap, the church rejected him after a while. And so he became an artist.
He used to paint black computers white and sell them to a company called "Computers for Black People". But after the Ruhanda massacre, the company was bankrupted and he had to find a new job. Being an artist was not an option anymore since paint price was increasing high, so he became a computer scientist. His experience in painting black computers white, helped him in getting a job at a well-known university in Canada. During this period, he overcame his fear of black sheep by developing a program to help people overcome their fear of black sheep. But his interest in finding a hobby for himself, caused him to take diving lessons. It was during one of the practice sessions that he broke the world record by going 2 kilometers (or as some say 61 kilometers) deep into a pool and comming back completely alive.
After this incident, his IQ dropped from 85 to 4.5 and computer science was not an option anymore. So he transferred to the biology department, where he is still working as a live corpse and helping to expand borders of science. He still wears his Diesel sneakers, but he has replaced his Diesel tanktop with Diesel vitamines which he takes regulary everyday to stay healthy and keen.
Posted by masoud at 09:22 PM | Comments (1)
February 06, 2005
Diaries of Mr KK 1
Diaries of Mr KK are true stories happened to a friend of mine. For the meaning of KK please refer to Shervin's Dictionary of Abbreviations, 2004. Here's the first episode....
"One Tuesday, after school, I was quite bored and decided to go to Seatle. So I went to Seatle on Wednesday ! After fooling around a bit, I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 12 pack of beer. On the way back to Vancouver, at the border, the custom lady told me that I could only bring one liquor item, and I had to choose between Mr Jack and the beer. Tough decision. So I drove back and stopped about a hundred meters away and after thinking a bit, I decided to drink the beer. So I finished the 12 pack in half an hour and drove back. This time, the lady couldn't say anything; I only had one liquor item with me. She could only say "please don't drink and drive". Well, good advice I guess....
Posted by masoud at 04:43 PM | Comments (0)
December 30, 2004
Google Translator
One of my friends (Sohrab) pointed this out: Google Translator is quite funny. As an example that he has found, if you translate "my mom is nice and cool" to Spanish, you'll get "mi mama está agradable y fresca", if you translate this back to English, you probably should get something close. Instead, you get "my breast is pleasant and fresh". Well, what can I say....
Posted by masoud at 11:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 03, 2004
Diaries of Nobody 2: Guitar, Speed and Blue Carrots
Original Story:
Dude ! I went to a concert, some dude was pointing a piece of paper towards the guitar player, I guess he expected him to sign it while he was playing the guitar, the guitar player was kind of pissed off at this dude, and he was so fast that while playing, he grabbed the paper from that dude, threw it away and continued playing and if you hadn't looked at all this, you wouldn't notice any interruption in the guitar sound.
Slow Motion:
Let's review this: So the guitar player was SO fast that he managed to move his hand towards the piece of paper, open up his two fingers that were holding the guitar pick, and grab the paper so fast that the pick didn't fall, then move his hand to his right (he was right-handed, so he was holding the pick with his right hand, so in order to throw the paper away, he had to move his hand to his right to move the paper AWAY from himself), open up his fingers again, close them so fast that despite the higher density that the pick has (compared to the piece of paper) and would cause it to accelerate faster, he would still be able to hold on to the pick, move his hand back to the guitar and continue playing it. All of this has happened so fast that there was no interruption in the guitar sound.
Next Version:
The guitar player was so fast that he grabbed the piece of paper, threw it away, went backstage for a beer, went to Hawaii on bus, had a 2 week vacation over there, got married twice, and came back with a kid, and he was so fast that he did all this and there was no interruption in the sound of guitar.
Posted by masoud at 09:43 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 03, 2004
Diaries of Nobody 1: Chinese Simplified....
I woke up this morning and I could read/write/speak chinese fluently. I wrote a poem too:
"chian shung tao, chin jung zhen - wun zi yuan !, tinzu wan chen".
It means:
"it's morning, how wicked is the weather - bartender! pour us some wine, and we'll drink it together".
Now I can actually understand what some of my profs/friends say when they're talking to me. Some day/night I will wake up and will know spanish and italian too and will understand people in general and a few specifically, who talk in these cool languages...and then I will write more love poems and share them with the world :)
For those of you who are dying to learn chinese, I've got good news ! A friend of mine sent me a very good source and I being a generous soul, will share it with you:
|
English
|
Chinese
|
Posted by masoud at 03:57 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 28, 2004
Philosophy of Life 1: God & Devil
This is my friend's friend's philosophy of life:
Once upon a time there was a God and a devil [don't ask me why there was a devil] and some angles and many good humans and the world was a beautiful place. The devil would go down to earth from time to time and would disguise himself and would commit unorthodox actions and they would catch him and take him to court [don't ask me why there was a need for a court when everyone was good except for the devil. I mean people make courts when there's enough crime there already], but everytime, he would hypnotize the judge and the judge would set him free.
One time the judge turned out to be blind and so the devil couldn't hypnotize him and so the poor devil was sentenced to be in prison for life [that's quite a weak devil by the way and I think he deserved to go to prison. I mean if you're a good devil you should have back-up plans for when your original plans don't work]. Now the devil fans up in the sky, decided to free him up, so did some of the good angles who were tired of all the goodness in the world [again don't ask me why angles who should be good in nature wanted the world to have bad things in it]. So they came down to earth ["down" depends on how you look at the whole thing. If people in one sphere thought the fans came "down" to earth, the people in the other sphere would think they came "up" to earth. If you don't like this confusion, blame Einstein for introducing all this "relativity" crap] and made the walls of the prison disappear, but the devil refused to go free because he thought now that he was sentenced by humans he should respect the judge's decision [don't ask me why a "devil" should think like that] and stay in prison forever [if you ask me, I say the devil didn't give a damn about the judge's decision. He probably could do all kinds of sins in the prison without being caught, so he figured prison's cool. Besides he didn't have to spend so much time and money going all the way from who-knows-which-sky down to earth, I think the gas price was quite high at that time too].
Anyways, to make the story short, those devil fans and angles spread around in the world and started to have lots of unprotected sex and make kids and now we, are actually the decendants of those devils and angles who are living together....That explains many things. Trust me.
Well, to be honest, this story has quite a few nasty holes, never to be filled up by anything, but it's a good story to tell your kids, if they're dumb enough. On the other hand, if your kids are like me, they wouldn't believe you and if they do, when the grow up, they would remember this and would question you and would think either you'd been quite dumb to have told them this story or that you hadn't been a good parent by lying to them.
So overall I don't really know what to say. It very much depends on your kid type. I leave it up to you. I'm just acting as a neutral person [although I'm not really neutral. Trust me. I have affiants]. I think the best way would be to change the story and make it more acceptable or just tell them the story of 3 pigs and the wolf instead. At least it has some pigs in it....
Posted by masoud at 03:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 23, 2004
One day and a few happenings....
Today all of a sudden it started hailing (the phrase "all of a sudden" is meaningless when used to describe the weather in Vancouver. "All of a sudden" implies that something unexpected happened, but the anarchism of the Weather God has resulted in Vancouver's weather changing every 2 seconds. Therefore a sudden change is not unexpected (and that's why people wear short sleeves and take an umbrella with them at the same time) and therefore the use of "all of a sudden" is irrelevant. I'm just using it so that others have a better understanding of how hail started today). After a very short while, it seemed like it had snowed. Long live anything white.
Can you see my camera in the middle of the pic ? [1]
Can you see my camera in the middle of the pic NOT ? [2]
Then I went to a Ney (Dr Hossein Omoomi), Tar (Amir Koushkani), Tonbak & Daf (Zia Tabasian) concert. As always I took a few pics and Dr Omoomi was pissed at me, because of the camera flash. Well, now he wants me to send him the pictures ;) [4]
There was this guy who was called "doctor" and was videotaping the whole concert. He was the most artistically tasteless guy ever. Seeing how he was filming the concert totally distracted me. I had to change my seat in the second half.
And I saw a woman wearing a 300,000$ necklace which she doesn't like much.
Before the concert during sound check.
Two of the most beautiful Tars made by Ostad Pooriya. The top one is a killer.
Amir Koushkani.
Dr Omoomi joking...
Playing Saaghinaameh in Homaayoon.
Playing Masnavi in Shoor.
And....
The other things that happened today are to be kept as a mystery....
[1] Yes means you have good eyes. No means you're blind. [3]
[2] Yes means you're on drugs and hallucinating. No means you might be blind or not (The reason why some of you don't see my camera in the middle of this pic, is mostly because my camera is NOT there). [3]
[3] Answer these questions once in a while and you don't need to go to an eye doctor, psychiatrist or prison for that matter.
[4] Moral of the story: Be nice to the camera man. The same applies to poets....or other people....Being nice is very nice in general. What I just said is nice too (i.e that being nice is nice itself). You know I can go on forever. I'm very talented in babbling, rambling or other verbs used to describe this gift.
Posted by masoud at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 11, 2004
Anti-IQ Test
Think about a test that measures dumbness. So the higher your score, the dumber you are :) People would actually get tutors and try hard to score lower on this test !!
Actually it's not hard to make such a thing, just have a regular IQ test and make the final score negative and if you like the scores to be always a positive number [1], scale everything up by the highest positive score possible on the normal IQ test.
But, think about a test on which the more questions you answer RIGHT, means the dumber you are !! That's a true Anti-IQ test.
Want some applications ? As an example, for choosing people as some countries' politicians ;) I'll leave the rest as an excercise to the eager reader....
[1] For some reason, some people are quite sensitive about negative numbers. They like positive numbers, but hate negative ones. That's called Numberism (like Racism). It always puzzles me how a simple, innocent negative sign which is all that makes the difference between these numbers, can change love to hatred. There's a famous saying by someone anonymous that says "There's a very thin line between love and hatred". So true.... ;)
Posted by masoud at 09:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 10, 2004
International Party
Dude ! We had a party over here and there were people from 16 different countries (as opposed to 16 same countries [1]) !!
Argentina, India, Bolivia, Iran, Columbia, Mexico, Norway, Russia, Lithuania, Germany, Monte Negro, Canada, France, Romania, Chile, Poland.
How wicked is that !
[1] Now this brings about a new question: Is it "16 same countries" or "16 same country" ? Note the importance of 16. Had it been 17, the answer would've been trivial of course.
Posted by masoud at 02:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
September 30, 2004
The Ultimate Diet (with special offer)
How to screw your stomach up in only 3 days or
How to screw your stomach up simply with day-to-day food or
How to screw your stomach up for dummies/pros: the easy way.
Here it goes: Have Nutella and bread and water for 2 straight days, then have Mcdonalds for another two meals (Big Extra works best) and finally have hot chicken wings with a salad left from at least 3 days ago. Watching TV in the meanwhile helps a lot.
No matter how healthy you are and how strong your stomach is, it's guaranteed to send you to the OS (abbreviation for Other Side, the philosophical term for WC) before you can even finish your salad.
If you call within the next couple of days, you will receive a free gun (1) to kill yourself and have an easy, rather quick death after your stomach's screwed up.
For more information, please visit my website at http://masoud.alaki.com/weblog/archives/2004/09/the_ultimate_di.html
(1) Some restrictions apply. You should be 18 years or older and mailing guns should be legal in your country. I won't hold responsibility for any abuse of the gun (i.e others being bruised). I only guarantee your death.
Posted by masoud at 04:42 AM | Comments (1)
September 21, 2004
Orkut: The Future Will be Weird
I went to a concert and I knew quite a few people who I'd never met before, but I knew their faces, some names and some even their hobbies :) Well not this much, cause I have a terrible memory anyways, but anybody with a better memory than me (i.e all other people) could've known many things about many other people without having met them. I'm sure there were many people who knew me (inspite of all the crap I've written in my orkut profile) without me knowing that....It's quite funny, at the same time interesting, you name it, weird, scary, whatever else.
The best part, I actually met someone from ANOTHER COUNTRY who I'd exchanged a few emails through orkut with (and I got a new nickname through these emails: Orkut Police !) and we both recognized each other (at least I did) and the encounter was kind of a strange nice shock :) who on earth would've thought !! (just to make sure you get it right, the answer is "no one". as a general rule of thumb, all the questions I ask have a similar answer. remember The Crimson Idol post ? to prove my claim, your answer is probably a "no" !)
I know there are these crappy dating services that you can find people through them and exchange photos and stuff, but this orkut has taken it to a much greater extent without necessarily putting the name of "dating service" on it. You will see people at some place and instead of saying "Oh, I know you, we've met in that party or at that person's place", you'll say "I've seen you on orkut ! I know every single detail about your life". Dates will go to the "next" stage faster, cause there are less things to ask; you already know many of them !
This is how future's gonna be: You will probably go to an office for a very important meeting and will recognize a face (from orkut) and will remember that this person likes carrots, so you take a carrot out of your pocket and start eating it and you become friends and you will have a very successfull meeting too. Nine months later you will name your child Orkut to ironically honor the founder of this miracle.
Now who's the real father/mother of this child, orkut or you (which arises the question of "can orkut be sometimes the mother and sometimes the father ?") ? (to make more sense of this question and prevent you from thinking that this question is quite dumb and irrelevant, consider a war in which a side has won. who has won the war, the soldiars or the leaders ? or for those of you who believe in God, when you do something, is it you who's doing it or God ?)
Well, thanx to orkut, everybody now thinks I'm a pot head, african american, 84 years old with multiple birthdays, 8' 11" tall, living in Vancouver in Zimbabwe and named Hasanbeyk, etc. The truth is I only think that from time to time, 2+2=1.658 or any other number or object depending on the consequences of this equality.
Posted by masoud at 08:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 26, 2004
A New Term
Attention: The following post contains applications of biology, mathematics and computer science and it's not suitable for the general audience. Viewer Discrection is Strongly Advised !
[18+]
There are some algorithms known as "genetic" algorithms because the idea behind them is comming from genetics, hence the name. Genes interact with each other (parents) to create another gene (child) that usually has the "good" characteristics of the parents and does not have the "weak" characterstics. Although there are always counter-examples, like some kids who are a lot more stupid than their parents (i.e. my high school principal. although in this case he was a counter-example of intelligence in its minimality and a good study case to see how/why would someone become this dumb), but let's just have some mercy on these exceptional talents for now.
Now genetic algorithms in computer science/math are mostly used in optimization problems, where you are (well, maybe not exactly YOU) interested in finding something that maximizes/minimizes a characteristic (i.e finding a specific kind of graph with maximum number of edges). So you (again, maybe not YOU) basically take two instances (parents) and kind of mix them together and create a child. Now if the child is "good" (meaning it has better characteristics than one of the parents), you keep it, otherwise, you burn it and throw its ashes into the closest river at night (meaning you throw it away). Now you repeat the process with the new creations, until you get a creation with acceptable charactersitics.
Now sometimes when you do that, you can't get new instances with better characteristics. So what you do, is that you throw in some weird new instances into the population and let them interact with the old ones, in the hope of having some kind of a mutation and getting better results (this is what the US government does by accepting people by lottery or what Canada is doing in a greater extent by getting all the "good" people from different countries and letting them "interact" (i.e have lots of sex) with each other to create better creations. That's exactly why half-breeded people or people with parents comming from multiple ethnicities turn out to be so hot from time to time (i.e a friend of mine)).
So far we had concepts of "parent", "child", "good child" and "bad child".
Having said all this long history, I propose the following terms to be used in papers/scientific conversations throughout the world:
1. "Bitch": an instance that interacts with all the other instances and doesn't get ommited for some generations (because it creates worse children than itself). A "bitch" can be a "male" or "female" (1).
2. "SOB" or "Son Of a Bitch": self-explanatory with respect to the previous term
3. "Bastard": a child resulting from the interaction of the "new" instances we threw in, with some "old" instance that already had a partner (i.e had created a child before).
4. "Whore House": it's a street word for "population", specially when the algorithm you're designing doesn't work, you'll say "what the f*** is goin on in this whore house" (to avoid any kind of confusion, make sure your prof's wife is not around though).
5. "Pervert": an instance who interacts with one of its parents
6. "Motherfucker": a male (1) "pervert" who the instance he interacts with, is believed to be his mother (1)
(1) I'm not sure if these terms are already defined or not. For the sake of this posting, we assume they are.
Future Extentions: I prefer to keep this part as a secret or the readers might think I'm a corrupted human being, although any suggestions by the readers will be accepted.
Now Beware ! As the whole thing shows, all computer scientists who use genetic algorithms, are atheists/agnostics in their subconscious minds, and from the point of view of religion, they will definitely go to hell. I strongly think that these algorithms should be banned and forbidden by the well-respected religious leaders throughout the world and anybody who dares to use them, should be sentenced to 174 years in prison without any water/food/sleep.
Posted by masoud at 06:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 18, 2004
How to cook fish
Despite all the recipes suggested by all these "pro" chefs, I just found out that the best way to cook fish, is in the microwave. The reason for that is simple once you hear it (so read it aloud so that you can hear yourself): All the fishes have evolved through time in such a way that their flesh will be best cooked in the microwave. That's only because our ancestors have been using microwave from thousands of years ago to cook fish and fishes have naturally evolved to best fit this process.
Now someone might say: "that can't be true. because once you cook a fish, it can't make kids anymore, so their evolved genes would not transfer through generations and even if the fish want to best fit human's process of cooking, they can't. therefore you suck with your stupid theory". First I'd like to say "YOU suck". Dude ! the answer to your question is so easy ! It's all about the spirit not genes. Eventhough the fish are dead and cooked and can't "make kids", their spirit is transfered through generations and their tendency to be cooked best in the microwave to fit human's need, is transferred as well, and since everybody knows that the spirit changes the body, this evolved spirit will change fish flesh in such a way that it will be cooked best in the microwave. Well, if you don't believe me, you'll go to hell for sure. So from now on, cook fish ONLY in the microwave.
Posted by masoud at 10:14 PM | Comments (1)