October 07, 2005
Cool Guide
Here's a few tips for those who want to be cool in the Persian/Iranian community specially in Vancouver:
1. Listen to House music and call everyone else FOB. It doesn't matter if you know the meaning of FOB or not, it's just a matter of saying it. FOB is a word registered for use only by the higher class people.
2. Smoke (this covers anything smokable, including your grandparent's underwear. if one day you succeed in 'smoking' LSD, you rock straight up, since you'd be one of the few who've accomplished this. now you can call others who do LSD in the right way, FOBs).
3. Wear only brand name clothes, specially Diesel, regardless of how ugly the clothes might be. It's all about brands and how much you've paid for it. If you can't afford it, work 412 hours a day and spend all your money on a 999.99$ jacket. Then call others FOBs.
4. If you're a girl, be a bitch, literally. If you're a guy, give attitude, but remember to stay up-to-date with the fashion and use proper hair cut. If you find anyone not following your way, call them FOB.
5. Become a singer. No experience is needed. If it doesn't work out, call everyone else FOB and start working in a coffee shop.
6. If you don't have an orkut account get one. Then start writing scraps and i-love-you testimonials for everyone else including yourself. Call yourself FOB.
7. Avoid intellectuality. Call everyone who goes to university FOB. Don't read any book. Call anyone who reads, FOB.
Note that these conditions are not either necessary nor sufficient, and there are exceptions for every case. If you'd like to know whether or not you've become COOL or FOB, a case-by-case study is needed. Please contact our office for an appointment at 1-800-FOB-COOL.
Posted by masoud at 02:39 PM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2005
Email Inspiration Take 1 Reply
Refer to The Original Email to better understand the reply.
Let's see....The description of what you said or may have said can be viewed in terms of numerous external (as well as internal) factors. One such factor, or rather event, is the absence of clarity and vividness, which is furthermore quite meticulously presented in the very fibre of our everyday behaviour. Now, while this phenomenon, this rather "presence of absence", does NOT lead to any misconceptions per se, it opens the doors for careful deliberation and contemplation.
Does "meaning" really exist or is it in fact an artifact of the inherent deficiency of our humanly intellect? Or better yet, have we become complex enough to surpass our own understanding? Is "the killed" the same as "the killer"?
-------------
Moral of the story: Sometimes it's extremely difficult to distinguish between a piece of horseshit and a deep philosophical piece.
Posted by masoud at 10:17 PM | Comments (0)
July 12, 2005
Email Inspiration Take 1
As it's been said before, all of us have a role in this big book of journey called life, my life is meaningless, yours too, others' are no exception, it's the combination that together makes it purposeful.
And the purpose, is, in fact, immortality, in theory, and nihilism in practice. And that, my friend, is called classification of goals based on nature rather than cause. After all, as the poet claims, the poem is to be felt rather than understood. Who are we, to judge the level of a creation's perfection, when we, ourselves, are in fact the creation ? Or to be put in other words, if an octopus has 8 legs and an octogon has 8 sides, what does October have ? To conclude, the discussion can be summarized as follows: Five pygmies once ate an elephant. I think they were hungry.
To clarify the issues brought up in this email, refer to The Reply.
Posted by masoud at 01:15 PM | Comments (0)
May 16, 2005
Hypocrites: Questions/Answers
Take 1:
A-How should we deal with a bunch of hypocrites ?
B-Fuck'em all.
A-hhhhhhhhhh ! YOU just said the F word !!! aaaaaaaawwww !
B-Try again, that was not a question.
A-hhhhhhhhhh !? Did you just say the F word ??? aaaaaaaawwww !?
B-What do you think ?
A-"I" am supposed to ask and YOU to answer !
Take 2:
A-What if they're friends pretending to be friends and pretending to be enemies of your enemies but at the same time pretend to be friends of your enemies behind your back and pretend that they're not pretending to be like that ?
B-Isn't that the definition of a hypocrite ?
A-"I" am supposed to ask and YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ANSWER !!!!
Take 3:
A-What if you're all surrounded by hypocrites ?
B-Why do you always wanna talk about YOU and instead ask ME ?
A-YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK ! JUST ANSWER !
[The above show was cancelled due to the miscoordination between A and B and the fact that B shot A on a sunny day while they were having icecream together and talking about their future plans. A didn't live to see more hypocrites and B wrote a best-seller titled "How to deal with hypocrites ?". Unfortunately the hypocrites read the book, killed B and found new ways to counter attack B's guidelines and the book became extinct. This is the only place that has mentioned their story. Viewer discretion is advised]
Posted by masoud at 02:44 AM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2005
Conversation Randomation 2
-A: Hello ! How are you ?
-B: Are you a doctor ?
-A: Yes. I have a PhD in philosophy.
-B: OK then, I'm good thank you. How are you ?
-A: Can't complain.
-B: Yeah I know, no one to listen.
-A: Sunny day, are you going to the beach ?
-B: No thanx. But speaking of beach, how's your sister doing ?
-A: She's fine. She has no problems in life and that's her big problem.
-B: How can one have no problems and still have a problem ?
-A: Hmm....That's a tough one....
-B: Are these ones the same ?
-A: Which ones ?
-B: The two ones we talked about right now....
-A: All I know is that two ones is two, whether they're the same or not.
-B: I think two ones is eleven.
-A: Let's keep our personal tastes to ourselves and speak of other ones.
-B: Ok. Here's a problem for you: How can 7+6-2=13 ?
-A: In base 8. Where's C ? She was supposed to be here 3 hours ago.
-B: Yeah, she's only 5 minutes late. She'll come.
-A: Please be polite.
-B: I will. But if she's late too much, I would like to kill her. Well, I don't really wanna "kill" her, I just don't want her to live anymore. She is a perfect example of an imperfect person. She's perfectly imperfect. In other words she's tadellos unvollständig or perfectamente imperfecto or perfettamente imperfetto whichever you prefer.
-A: You're in love.
Posted by masoud at 08:37 PM | Comments (0)
December 03, 2004
Diaries of Nobody 2: Guitar, Speed and Blue Carrots
Original Story:
Dude ! I went to a concert, some dude was pointing a piece of paper towards the guitar player, I guess he expected him to sign it while he was playing the guitar, the guitar player was kind of pissed off at this dude, and he was so fast that while playing, he grabbed the paper from that dude, threw it away and continued playing and if you hadn't looked at all this, you wouldn't notice any interruption in the guitar sound.
Slow Motion:
Let's review this: So the guitar player was SO fast that he managed to move his hand towards the piece of paper, open up his two fingers that were holding the guitar pick, and grab the paper so fast that the pick didn't fall, then move his hand to his right (he was right-handed, so he was holding the pick with his right hand, so in order to throw the paper away, he had to move his hand to his right to move the paper AWAY from himself), open up his fingers again, close them so fast that despite the higher density that the pick has (compared to the piece of paper) and would cause it to accelerate faster, he would still be able to hold on to the pick, move his hand back to the guitar and continue playing it. All of this has happened so fast that there was no interruption in the guitar sound.
Next Version:
The guitar player was so fast that he grabbed the piece of paper, threw it away, went backstage for a beer, went to Hawaii on bus, had a 2 week vacation over there, got married twice, and came back with a kid, and he was so fast that he did all this and there was no interruption in the sound of guitar.
Posted by masoud at 09:43 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
October 16, 2004
True Intentions
You and your friend are sitting at a table. You're very hungry. You say "I'm very hungry". There's an apple on the table. You're curious who the apple belongs to, but you don't want to eat it. You ask "Is that apple yours ?". Your friends says "Yaa maan (with a Jamaican accent), go ahead eat it". You say "No thanx, I just wanted to know". Your friend says "Don't be shy maan, you can have it. Seriously". Now, as if being hungry wasn't that big a problem by itself, you've got to also convince your friend that you asked that question JUST to see whom the apple belonged to and you DID NOT (I emphasize DID NOT) have any intention of eating it.
Now suppose you want to ask someone "If I asked you out, would you go out with me ?". You just wanna know the answer. Most probably, you won't ask that person out anyways. You can't ask that question whatsoever, otherwise "khar biyaar o baagheli baar kon" and try to somehow say you didn't mean to ask that person out and you just wanted to know the answer to your question (which in turn is another problem. How on earth [1] would you be able to say this without creating more misunderstandings and probably hurting the other person's feelings, etc.)
[1] Some people think on Mars that's possible. They think weaker gravity is the reason.
Well, how on earth [1] can I prove their point while I'm living on earth ? [2]
[2] Don't you just love this infinite circular loop of "[1]" going back to "[1]" in the middle of itself ?! (If you don't like it, please be a dull and kindly let me know and I will ban you from this site permenantly).[3]
[3] Well, if you've come this far, it means that you have either started reading this posting from the bottom up, or you haven't actually followed the "[1]" signs properly. Otherwise you should've been stuck in an infinite loop until you or your computer dies.
Posted by masoud at 05:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 11, 2004
Anti-IQ Test
Think about a test that measures dumbness. So the higher your score, the dumber you are :) People would actually get tutors and try hard to score lower on this test !!
Actually it's not hard to make such a thing, just have a regular IQ test and make the final score negative and if you like the scores to be always a positive number [1], scale everything up by the highest positive score possible on the normal IQ test.
But, think about a test on which the more questions you answer RIGHT, means the dumber you are !! That's a true Anti-IQ test.
Want some applications ? As an example, for choosing people as some countries' politicians ;) I'll leave the rest as an excercise to the eager reader....
[1] For some reason, some people are quite sensitive about negative numbers. They like positive numbers, but hate negative ones. That's called Numberism (like Racism). It always puzzles me how a simple, innocent negative sign which is all that makes the difference between these numbers, can change love to hatred. There's a famous saying by someone anonymous that says "There's a very thin line between love and hatred". So true.... ;)
Posted by masoud at 09:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 10, 2004
Driving Tip
Here's a driving tip for you (yes YOU !). Something you can't find in Driver's Guides or Driving Schools:
When you're drunk and it's raining, try to drive at legal speed. It helps NOT hitting trees or other cars significantly.
Posted by masoud at 02:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
International Party
Dude ! We had a party over here and there were people from 16 different countries (as opposed to 16 same countries [1]) !!
Argentina, India, Bolivia, Iran, Columbia, Mexico, Norway, Russia, Lithuania, Germany, Monte Negro, Canada, France, Romania, Chile, Poland.
How wicked is that !
[1] Now this brings about a new question: Is it "16 same countries" or "16 same country" ? Note the importance of 16. Had it been 17, the answer would've been trivial of course.
Posted by masoud at 02:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
September 30, 2004
The Ultimate Diet (with special offer)
How to screw your stomach up in only 3 days or
How to screw your stomach up simply with day-to-day food or
How to screw your stomach up for dummies/pros: the easy way.
Here it goes: Have Nutella and bread and water for 2 straight days, then have Mcdonalds for another two meals (Big Extra works best) and finally have hot chicken wings with a salad left from at least 3 days ago. Watching TV in the meanwhile helps a lot.
No matter how healthy you are and how strong your stomach is, it's guaranteed to send you to the OS (abbreviation for Other Side, the philosophical term for WC) before you can even finish your salad.
If you call within the next couple of days, you will receive a free gun (1) to kill yourself and have an easy, rather quick death after your stomach's screwed up.
For more information, please visit my website at http://masoud.alaki.com/weblog/archives/2004/09/the_ultimate_di.html
(1) Some restrictions apply. You should be 18 years or older and mailing guns should be legal in your country. I won't hold responsibility for any abuse of the gun (i.e others being bruised). I only guarantee your death.
Posted by masoud at 04:42 AM | Comments (1)
September 21, 2004
Orkut: The Future Will be Weird
I went to a concert and I knew quite a few people who I'd never met before, but I knew their faces, some names and some even their hobbies :) Well not this much, cause I have a terrible memory anyways, but anybody with a better memory than me (i.e all other people) could've known many things about many other people without having met them. I'm sure there were many people who knew me (inspite of all the crap I've written in my orkut profile) without me knowing that....It's quite funny, at the same time interesting, you name it, weird, scary, whatever else.
The best part, I actually met someone from ANOTHER COUNTRY who I'd exchanged a few emails through orkut with (and I got a new nickname through these emails: Orkut Police !) and we both recognized each other (at least I did) and the encounter was kind of a strange nice shock :) who on earth would've thought !! (just to make sure you get it right, the answer is "no one". as a general rule of thumb, all the questions I ask have a similar answer. remember The Crimson Idol post ? to prove my claim, your answer is probably a "no" !)
I know there are these crappy dating services that you can find people through them and exchange photos and stuff, but this orkut has taken it to a much greater extent without necessarily putting the name of "dating service" on it. You will see people at some place and instead of saying "Oh, I know you, we've met in that party or at that person's place", you'll say "I've seen you on orkut ! I know every single detail about your life". Dates will go to the "next" stage faster, cause there are less things to ask; you already know many of them !
This is how future's gonna be: You will probably go to an office for a very important meeting and will recognize a face (from orkut) and will remember that this person likes carrots, so you take a carrot out of your pocket and start eating it and you become friends and you will have a very successfull meeting too. Nine months later you will name your child Orkut to ironically honor the founder of this miracle.
Now who's the real father/mother of this child, orkut or you (which arises the question of "can orkut be sometimes the mother and sometimes the father ?") ? (to make more sense of this question and prevent you from thinking that this question is quite dumb and irrelevant, consider a war in which a side has won. who has won the war, the soldiars or the leaders ? or for those of you who believe in God, when you do something, is it you who's doing it or God ?)
Well, thanx to orkut, everybody now thinks I'm a pot head, african american, 84 years old with multiple birthdays, 8' 11" tall, living in Vancouver in Zimbabwe and named Hasanbeyk, etc. The truth is I only think that from time to time, 2+2=1.658 or any other number or object depending on the consequences of this equality.
Posted by masoud at 08:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 18, 2004
How to cook fish
Despite all the recipes suggested by all these "pro" chefs, I just found out that the best way to cook fish, is in the microwave. The reason for that is simple once you hear it (so read it aloud so that you can hear yourself): All the fishes have evolved through time in such a way that their flesh will be best cooked in the microwave. That's only because our ancestors have been using microwave from thousands of years ago to cook fish and fishes have naturally evolved to best fit this process.
Now someone might say: "that can't be true. because once you cook a fish, it can't make kids anymore, so their evolved genes would not transfer through generations and even if the fish want to best fit human's process of cooking, they can't. therefore you suck with your stupid theory". First I'd like to say "YOU suck". Dude ! the answer to your question is so easy ! It's all about the spirit not genes. Eventhough the fish are dead and cooked and can't "make kids", their spirit is transfered through generations and their tendency to be cooked best in the microwave to fit human's need, is transferred as well, and since everybody knows that the spirit changes the body, this evolved spirit will change fish flesh in such a way that it will be cooked best in the microwave. Well, if you don't believe me, you'll go to hell for sure. So from now on, cook fish ONLY in the microwave.
Posted by masoud at 10:14 PM | Comments (1)